The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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