Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dicks are not precious.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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