I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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