some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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