bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
