so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
