Duck Duck Cougar?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
