Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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