No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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