I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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