On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
