I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
