hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
