She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
