I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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