I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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