Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
