take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
