Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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