I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize