I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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