the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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