Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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