He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
