Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
