wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
