There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
