Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
