You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
