My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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