I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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