I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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