Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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