Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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