I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
