Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
