I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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