i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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