I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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