i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
