you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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