dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize