My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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