I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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