sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
