Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
