im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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