I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize