right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
