So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Can I color on your dick again?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
