I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
