3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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