I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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