Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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