I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize