He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
