I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
