It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
