I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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