Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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