Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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